Untangle

For when your body has calmed down but your mind is still running.

There's a specific kind of hard that happens after the storm.

Your body is calmer, but your mind is still going…replaying and second-guessing. Trying to figure out what you did wrong or what the other person is feeling or trying to find something you can do right now to make it okay.

That's where I go when I feel the need to chase or reach out, or make sure nobody is upset with me. It's not something I choose, it's something that happens to me. Control has always felt like safety. And when something is unresolved, the pull to resolve it is almost unbearable.

And here's what makes it harder. Sometimes what I'm feeling isn't even mine. I feel other people in a very strong empathic way, and it gets muddled with myself. Their hurt, their anger, whatever they are feeling, I take it on. It overtakes me. I automatically put it on myself. I did the hurting. I made them mad. I am responsible. So the chasing and the fixing begin because I need the pain to stop.

Here's the thing about being told not to chase: we know. We've heard it. But our natural inclination is to fix and make things right. And it doesn't matter if we did something or the other person did, we take it all into ourselves. Telling someone in that state to "let it go" is like telling someone who's anxious to calm down. It's icing on a burnt cake. The cake is still burnt.

What actually helps isn't an instruction. It's a shift.

Writing down how you feel. Remembering that the other person may not be ready or receptive right now. Sitting with the possibility that you might not get the outcome you're hoping for with this particular person. Not as a punishment, it's just real. And that shift doesn't happen automatically. But the more you read about it, the more you realize there is another person there with their own timeline. Something about truly thinking that through, and really letting it sit, creates a pause. It gives a moment to rethink.

That's all Untangle asks. Not to let go. Just to pause long enough to see things a little more clearly.